if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
