I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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