so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
