mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
