Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
