she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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