If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
