I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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