i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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