420 ftw
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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