Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
