my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
