id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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