I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
