my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
