he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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