that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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