the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
