speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
