That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
