Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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