she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you had me at cake vodka
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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