I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
