I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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