She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
