remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
