Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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