So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
