Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
