It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
