I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
