i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So squirting runs in the family.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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