he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
