She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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