after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Please don't give away my fajitas
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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