Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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