Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
