I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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