I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
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I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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