There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
