I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
