Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
