he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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