i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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