I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
