Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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