Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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