Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize