Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
