Whod you bang
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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