no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick