Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
