if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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