wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
