I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Someone shit on the floor
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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